((excerpt from natalia’s diary
september 3 2009))
I can’t decide what to listen to. Everything sounds the same right now. Happy songs make me sad because I’m not happy, and sad songs make me sad because I’m sad. There’s no winning. I hate to lose. I always have things to write about, but I always forget them. I tell myself, "oh, it's too good, I won't forget", and then when I sit down and try to remember, I forget. I wonder what life would be like if people never forgot. I hate to remember, but I hate to forget,
I like to wonder. I like the feeling of melancholy, and I like the feeling of realization. I like to believe, and I like pretty piano music. I like to laugh, and I like to have fun. I don't think I have done many of those things in a long time. I'm good at pretending, and I'm good at assuming, and I think that I do those things more than I should. I hate contradictions, but I love them. I hate to hate, and I hate to love. I don't know if I will ever be able to explain anything. I like love songs and I like sad songs, I don't know what love is. Everything is mine, and if it's not then I don't like it. I don't know any forms of expression. I don't even know how to sing. Run-on sentences and big words make me nervous. I'm nervous 90% of the time. The other 10% I'm sleeping embarrassed or obsessing.
OMG it was a million years ago.
____________________________________________________
i don't get it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
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September 3 was not that long ago... I think its good that you are writing like this (in your journal or on the blog). Its good to get these ideas out in the open because its easier to understand them when you do. Being nervous 90% of the time is something to reflect on, think about what it is that makes you nervous. Literally take it one step at a time and dont be afraid of allowing yourself to realize why you are REALLY feeling nervous. For example, if you are nervous for the first day of work you may initially think that it is just because its new, but maybe its more than that.
ReplyDeleteLike with me, I have recently been realizing that a lot of my nervous feelings are because I fear being judged by others. I fear that what I do or say will be misunderstood. Its a fear that causes me to sub-consciously restrict myself from being true to who I really am.
The other thing you could think about is the fact that everybody views their own life through our own set of glasses and the glasses you wear can be old and outdated. For example the glasses you had as a ten year old may have seen a lot of bullying. 9 years later, those old glasses are still with us, creating an image of the world that we had years and years ago. So even though we may no longer be "being bullied" the glasses we wear distort the experiences we have making it appear that we are "being bullied" even when we aren't. The point is that often times the way that we see our life is distorted through a number of unconscious assumptions (like you mentioned) that in reality do not exist.
I hope that you keep journalling because I think its a great way to understand the truth behind your feeling. Once you get a better idea of why you are feeling the way you are, then you can take action in allowing yourself to put aside some of the assumptions and distortions that are ultimately the reasons for your unhappiness.
Life is always changing and evolving, and even if we aren't happy today that doesn't mean we can't be happy tomorrow. :-)